Birthday, VDay, Spring-ish Weather

Well, short entry but my birthday was nice. Went to Mohegan with my love and spent some mula, won some mula, lost some mula. That's the way the dough rolls... (Oh it's funny 'cause it's a play on words!)

Valentine's Day is not a big deal for me, but I definitely wanted to do something nice for my sweet. (Oh it's funny 'cause Valentine's is filled with candy!) - ok..I'm done now hahaha.

Made some lobster ravioli from scratch and it was a pain in the ass but it worked. Filling was great but the dough was too thick. Oh well. First time can't be perfect, right?

And today we cleaned the apartment like whoa. Ate some delicious delicious delicious supper of Aaron's creation. Friggin BANGIN meal. Chicken, cheese, pasta, sauce...yummmmmmmmm.

That's all. Just wanted to update a lil.
Workin two jobs still and trying to write again.

-peace.

December Melancholy

Life is a darker hue than what it used to be. The sunshine still brings a smile to my face as it cracks through billowing clouds, but the rest of the world is covered in shadows.

These are very troubling times, and frankly, it sucks.

I probably failed two of my four classes. I don't really care, though. I'm taking a semester off to work a little more and hopefully find my sanity again. Living with my boyfriend was the best choice for me. I love my family and do miss them. Yet, I'm growing up and that will not stop. Days will drown into nights, nights will evolve into days, and it will not stop for me. Or anyone. No matter how hard I wish I could pause my life and listen for Megan's voice, it's not going to happen.

I thought I saw her at work yesterday. A man in a hat stood at the doors of the gas station, and for a split second, it was Meg. Her image is burned into my retinas as I saw her: half open eyes, look of sadness painted on her face, long brown hair clinging to her shoulders... but the man's hat was still there. He came in to buy some scratch tickets and I stared blankly at the door, then awe-struck at him. He acted a little weird at my expression. You know the one... Like you've seen a ghost. Not the Hollywood bullshit face that people slap on for a few hundred bucks an hour, but the realistic pale-white-moonlight shade that covers your face like a veil. Yeah, that one.

And now, I sit here drinking a beer.

I will go to work tomorrow, Sunday, Monday through Friday. Two jobs. I will step out of bed every day, even if my feet won't allow it.

All I know is looking back, nothing has ever made me cry like the day I found out about my sister.
There's a song lyric that goes, "I'm not talking bout a few tears then I'm through. I'm talking bout screamin and wailin at the moon."

December is the hardest month this year. Christmas will come, snow will fall, and trees will be decorated. I know Megan will be nearby to help me hang ornaments on those too-high branches.

Merry Christmas everyone. God bless, and the like.

One step at a time.

Life After Death

On October 21st, my Mom called me at 8am. I was getting ready for work, but called her back outside where my phone gets reception.

And then she told me.

My sister Megan had been found on her floor the night before, lifeless.

I can't seem to write details past this yet. All I know is my wailing and crying brought me to my knees on the muddy ground.

I read at Meg's funeral, but everything went by in a blur. The twenty-hundred blurred faces attached to hands that shook mine cornered me in a void.

I am still there - in the void. It is black and lonely. My other three siblings are in their own worlds, trying to find light. My parents are in a bottomless pit of fear, regrets, and sadness. Pure sadness.

Though I am here, depressed and wandering along an endless road, I have hope. My friends and family are there for support. Somehow their care is pushing me forward. My sweet, sweet Aaron is also the biggest support beam as my body and mind teeter on crumbling.

I know Megan is not suffering anymore. I know she is smiling at us somewhere we cannot imagine. I don't know about Heaven and Hell. I don't know about God. But I know about love. If we can continue loving someone even after death . . . it will keep them alive in our hearts.

Perhaps we won't ever understand what is after life, but I'm sure it's something wonderful. And when the time comes, I will see my sister again.

Serendipity

Today is September 13th and it has been a long while since I've actually sat down to write on this blog.

It starts with Brandon . . . We dated in high school and broke it off because he was an immature and disrespectful punk. Why did I think that would have changed six-plus years later?

I was in a car accident on July 20th. At the time, I could count on three people: Courtney, Brandon, and my newest best friend - Aaron. The car accident was terrible; Car bumped me into a tow truck which sent me into a spiral across three lane highway traffic, soon to be hit by a surprised woman and finally slamming my Hyundai into the concrete guard rail. Nothing broke except for my spirit and hope.

I called Brandon in hopes that he could help me. He came to the hospital in Worcester only to tell me - first thing - when I got in the car that he, too was in an accident. His sports car had been cut off and he ended up running over a road sign which destroyed his headlight. . . and somehow broke his phone.

The entire week was about him. His headlight was more important than my emotional and possibly deadly experience. That's what opened my eyes to people around me. Courtney was there for me but I realized her and I were just drifting. That ended on a bad note on my side. I have things I should not have said, but nothing I regret. I stood up for myself for once.

And when it came down to Brandon time, I felt like I was in a movie.

Aaron and I had been best friends from day one and we both knew things were going horribly with my current relationship. I just wasn't happy anymore.

We talked. He was there for support, never pushing for anything, never showing anything other than friendship.

And I decided I'd been fed up with being treated poorly by boys who found toys and accessories more important than their girlfriend's life.

I knew I had to end it.

Aaron hugged me the night I knew it had to happen. I planned on what I would say. I was never the one to break up with anyone. My heart always felt footsteps. It was time to prevent anymore from happening.
So, the following morning I told Brandon how I felt. Immediately he thought it was wise to corner me by buying me flowers and writing sap after me telling him a few nights beforehand that I wasn't happy anymore with him. He also felt the need to tell me repeatedly that I cheated on him.

Ha. One thing I've never done is cheat. Brandon was a moron for saying that to me. It only got me angrier.

We soon departed after having a horrible encounter with his Mother - who was trying to make it sound like I was giving up with no reason.

And then the rest played out.
That night held more romance and magic than I have ever imagined possible with one man and one kiss. Only one comforting kiss. And we watched Serendipity, laughing at all the moments that reminded Aaron and I of what I just went through.

I felt bad for moving on so quickly, but my heart finally experienced true happiness. I have not been happier since I was in the eighth grade, learning a choreographed dance in my club for the first time. The same happy I also knew as a child . . . Carefree, honest, pure, and lovely.

I have no regrets, as I said. I have become more mature since the car accident. Things happen for a reason. Love happens. Break ups happen. Accidents happen and even good accidents happen - That is serendipity.

-me

Movin Out

My boyfriend and I are planning to move into an apartment together within a year. I could possibly not think about it until the time comes, but planning a huge move like this deserves attention a ew times a month. I've lived with my parents my whole 22 years of life, so it really is going to be hard for me to say goodbye to childhood and adolescence and realize that I am a grown woman.

First off, I'm going to make a checklist in a notebook of things we'll need to sort through financially and even emotionally - I don't want to bring baggage into a new life, do I?
Secondly, I'll need to figure out MY part of the deal and check off things I'll need to purchase and of course - decorate! We need a motif we can agree with for the apartment. Once we move in, I can help apply these things to make the best of our home.
Thirdly, clean up all my shit and get ready for the move. Have a yard sale if possible and maybe make some extra dough to use for our adventure.

So yeah, I'm definitely excited. :)
I love Brandon so much and I cannot see living without him.

blah

feeling sick today
Brandon's bday is today!! :D YAY
Tomorrow, Boston awaits my boyfriend and I.

Sick

I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm so exhausted, sore, been having headaches all week, along with my normal manic depression and anxiety. I really need a doctor soon. I can't stand this anymore. I feel like an old lady.

Anyways,
I think my next project for writing will revolve around college. First Person POV, comedy/drama, and a plot I've not found yet. No one really writes about college for novels, so I think it would be a nice change.