Finals Week

So, this week is finals week at school. I had my Music Theory one today and it only took a half an hour. I feel like I did semi-alright on it, but I know my weak spots were prominent on the test. Damn.
I finished the explicit scene of my novel. Hoorah. Chapter 19 is undergo and hopefully by New Year's Day the whole novel will be finished.
YAY
And I will take a break from it, start something new, and go back to edit Vivian later.

Vivian, Falling? More like Vivian, Baaaallllin!

The end.

Off-Roading

Yesterday I worked 7am-12pm, then went back from 4:30pm to midnight-(quarter after). Now, I had a full day and was tired, but I didn't think it would affect me this bad.
This morning I left my house at 9am to go to class. I fell asleep on my road for a good 7 seconds. I pulled over, lit a cigarette, and went on my way. But my body did not want to steer, step on pedals, and cooperate. I got some coffee and ended up safely at school. Thank God I didn't go off-roading.

I'm not happy. And people who are about to say, "You don't know what tired is," kiss my ass. I know what tired is. I know pain. I know stress and depression and anxiety. So kiss my ass.

I'm tired. My body aches and rebels against me to sleep. It makes my anxiety/depression worse.

This month I'll be looking into therapy. I'd rather not take pills of any sort until I can try to resolve this without it. Usually, I'm an optimistic person. But when I'm depressed...There's no talking me out of it. An all time low of emotions sweeps over me in waves I cannot swim through. And it's time to change it.
I love my life. I need to stop this insanity.

Now, back to class.
-Me

Breathe.

What a week!
Had a minor car accident on..Thursday. I was in a parking lot at school and looked behind, to the sides, and behind me again. Nothing was there. Started slowly backing up and some guy came around the corner. Needless to say, it's my fault. Little scratch on the back of my car and his was dented a little on the side.
My insurance will most likely go up now. Damn. I'm poor enough as it is.
Also, I am done letting people walk all over me. Done. All my life I have bent over backwards for family, friends, and even people I barely know. I'm done. I've been depressed for a long time and it's not being helped by being so passive.
So, that's the end of that.

lalalala... time to write.
-me.

Collapse

I was in music class today. At the end of class, we sign the sign-in sheet. My friend tapped my back and I looked over. Before they said anything, I dropped my pencil and went to pick it up.. and I collapsed to the floor. Didn't fall..it was a graceful collapse. Because I am so tired.

Wow.
Anyways, work tonight so I'll probably go take a nap when I get home.

:)

Sitting in Logic

I'm in logic right now and I'd rather be taking a nap.

So as I sit here, finishing up a very-long-awaited chapter 14 of my novel, I think about my motivations to keep going. When I finish the first draft, I will be editing the shit out of it. Hopefully, by the end of 2010, I will have enough money to find a literary agent to help me find a publisher.
In the meantime, after I finish Vivian, Falling, I'll be starting another story. I'm not sure which project I want to begin with yet, but here's a few genre ideas I want to play around with:

• Children's fantasy
• Teen Romance
• Adult fantasy/sci-fi
• (and yes.. maybe someday..) Crime/horror

There might be others I haven't thought of yet. But I do know I want to write short stories and poetry in subjects I don't usually write in. You never know.. I might find a genre perfect for my style of writing.

Alright, time for class.
Feeling better now.

-Mara

Soul is Tearing Apart

My new blog.

Today I woke up with a panic attack because I was late for class. I've been waking up on my belly lately, and I never sleep on it. My belly ring fell off and I could only find the ring itself, not the stud to connect it.

Back to my depression.. It was unpleasant and I ended up skipping class altogether. My soul felt like it was dying this morning. Everything was bothering me and upsetting me.

I took up smoking. It calms my anxiety to some degree.

This entry is not very well written. As I said, not in a happy mood. I'm not in a bad mood either.. I just don't care about anything right now.
I need to take a vacation. By myself for two days just to collect myself.

I'm going to plan one. Maybe.