December Melancholy

Life is a darker hue than what it used to be. The sunshine still brings a smile to my face as it cracks through billowing clouds, but the rest of the world is covered in shadows.

These are very troubling times, and frankly, it sucks.

I probably failed two of my four classes. I don't really care, though. I'm taking a semester off to work a little more and hopefully find my sanity again. Living with my boyfriend was the best choice for me. I love my family and do miss them. Yet, I'm growing up and that will not stop. Days will drown into nights, nights will evolve into days, and it will not stop for me. Or anyone. No matter how hard I wish I could pause my life and listen for Megan's voice, it's not going to happen.

I thought I saw her at work yesterday. A man in a hat stood at the doors of the gas station, and for a split second, it was Meg. Her image is burned into my retinas as I saw her: half open eyes, look of sadness painted on her face, long brown hair clinging to her shoulders... but the man's hat was still there. He came in to buy some scratch tickets and I stared blankly at the door, then awe-struck at him. He acted a little weird at my expression. You know the one... Like you've seen a ghost. Not the Hollywood bullshit face that people slap on for a few hundred bucks an hour, but the realistic pale-white-moonlight shade that covers your face like a veil. Yeah, that one.

And now, I sit here drinking a beer.

I will go to work tomorrow, Sunday, Monday through Friday. Two jobs. I will step out of bed every day, even if my feet won't allow it.

All I know is looking back, nothing has ever made me cry like the day I found out about my sister.
There's a song lyric that goes, "I'm not talking bout a few tears then I'm through. I'm talking bout screamin and wailin at the moon."

December is the hardest month this year. Christmas will come, snow will fall, and trees will be decorated. I know Megan will be nearby to help me hang ornaments on those too-high branches.

Merry Christmas everyone. God bless, and the like.

One step at a time.